i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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