I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
