No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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