It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
