i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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