you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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