Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I want her autograph on my taint
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
