i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
