Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
