so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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