The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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