i barfeds in our rink
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
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you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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