Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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