you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
we're so committed to being not committed
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
