so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
