She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize