Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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