I'm going to rape someone's good day.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
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what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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