Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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