batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
