Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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