M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
