so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
