the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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