i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
