Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
