3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
