Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
