I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
