you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
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Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
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i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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