Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
