I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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