I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
