my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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