i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
