I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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