idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
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I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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