her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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