Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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