why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Come on in and take your pants off
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