my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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