I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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