Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
