found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
