we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
