Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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