I can tuck mytits in my pants
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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