So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
