Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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