If i come over, it means nothing
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
