I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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