Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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