i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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