it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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