I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
