better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
