My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Walk of Shame today included voting.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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