I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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